IT'S ABOUT FREAKIN TIME YOU POST A BLOG

Hellerrrrrrr...... (did I tell you I love Tyler Perry/Madea?)

Ok, Ok, so I haven't blogged since January 20th. I have been a little busy. Of sorts.

I will skip all the yucky stuff and go straight to the kicker.

I. Turned. 40.

Yep, I bit the bullet, had the birthday, and have the pictures to prove it. I got crabs at Joe's Crab Shack with some friends and partied like it was... um... well, we at least ate good food.


then...

I was nagged/fussed at/consulted/adviced (is that a word?) by my best friend Amy House to go to the gyn and get my issued checked out. Saw him on a Wed, had a biopsy the next day, and last Tuesday was told that I have Endometrial Hyperplasia of the Uterus. (insert trumpet fanfare here)

On March 31st I am going to PMC to get sliced and diced and have a hysterectomy. Now, Dr. Perez did a bad thing and told them I was diabetic, so I expect all my loving friends (you know who you are) to SMUGGLE ME IN SOME REAL FOOD. Parrish Medical Center has great food for hospital food, unless you are on a diabetic/you're-obese diet. I cannot heal without sustenance, right???? FEED MY SEYMOUR!

Hmm, that reminds me of a song I love....SUDDENLY SEYMOOOOOOOOUUUUUURRRR, IS STANDING BESIDE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.....

sorry. broadway moment.

So, I am also needing someone to be in charge of my crackberry, pry it from my fingers when I am put out, and place it back in my left hand just before the anesthesia wears off. If not, I may have a panic attack that converts to a heart attack and die. You wouldn't want to be responsible for my death, would you?

Yes, I am addicted to Facebook, blogging, Craigslist curb alerts, and sweetfreestuff.com- so whaddya gonna do about it? It is better than being addicted to mashed potatoes and bologna isn't it?

Ok, ok, the CHRISTIAN answer is "you should be addicted to Jesus".... but hey, Jesus had addictions too!!!! I read it in my Bible. Go ahead, read the Gospels. He was addicted to exercise, for one thing. He walked most everywhere he went, EVEN ON WATER.

Can I get an "ament" or a "hallelujer"?

I should be addicted to my husband or son. Well, I have been, to the point of neglecting myself. That is what got me in the situation I am in. Not dealing with reality by dealing with their realities. Yep. My crazy doctor taught me that. He is a good Jew, too.

Now it is ME TIME, everyone keeps telling me to take some ME TIME, so I am going to take some ME TIME and use gorilla glue to keep my blackberry in my hand during surgery. I will disinfect it. Hey now, you never know when Kristin and Matt are going to say something of vital importance to the humor community of which I am a member. The only person who can make me laugh more is my husband, Dan, and he will be too worried about me to make me laugh.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO ENJOY A "JOY LIST"- credit to my peeps Amy B. cause I stole it from her blog:

1] pictures of my new niece, Alivia. Can't get enough of them
2] staring into my sons eyes on the few occasions that I can get him to make eye contact with me up close
3] brewsters birthday cake icecream
4] bonnie armes red velvet cake- had it only once in my life but it has been on my mind recently because I need some
5] Lexapro. My happy pill. Need I say more?
6] Amy House, for possibly saving my life... again.
7] Dr. Perez, for saving my life too
8] Dan... he makes me feel protected and comfortable, and tries his darnedest to keep my craziness under control
9] my kid in his NJROTC uniform. because just a year ago he was so very bad off.
10] hot chocolate from Sunrise Bakery, medium size because large gets cold before I am ready to finish it- like Amy B's Jamba Juice (or whatever that HI place is she gets her drinks)- there is nothing like it.

See, a lot of my list had to do with food today. That is because I am in eating mode. Those stupid hormones the doctor gave me have made me want to eat and eat and eat lately. Good think we are low on groceries.

On another random jaunt, does anyone need a condom?

Ok, everyone wipe up the liquids they just spewed threw their noses onto their computer screens.

I triple love getting free samples in the mail. Love it!

So in the mailbox yesterday was a free Trojan Her Pleasure lubricated premium latex condom.

Really.

Need it? I don't. It's yours.

Nuff said.

I also got a sample of Maybelline New York Dream Liquid Mousse Airbrush Natural Finish Air-Whipped Liquid Mousse Texture.

Need it? I don't. It's yours.

Did you know that you can go to Marvel.com and create yourself as a superhero? It is really fun.

The other day, in the "as seen on tv" section of Walgreens (another addiction, checking out as seen on tv stuff, holding my breath for shamwows to be in the stores), I saw a PedEgg with a handle on it. Now, I have not seen these infomercials on tv yet. Do they have fat people like me who might not be able to bend over and bring their foot up high enough so that they can sand the cement like dry skin off of their feet using this product? Does it show them holding their breath trying to grab their pantleg and jerk their foot up to their "lap" area? Then, giving up because without oxygen, one cannot LIVE, does it show them happily sanding away with there new PedEgg with the handle on it?

these things bother me.

Another thing that bothers me is when other people use my deodorant. But, you don't want to hear about all my issues, there isn't enough space on the Internet.

I am going to make a will before my surgery. All requests for my garb must be submitted by next Tuesday. Why next Tuesday? Because it is my crap, my will, and I picked that day.

I have lots of jewelry (I think I have like 4 rings... don't all jump at once), two guitars, a ukulele, a blackberry, a broken Canon EOS 700 series 35 mm camera, lots of clothes that fit fat people, an awesome "are you smarter than a 5th grader" handheld game, a Wii surgery game (tad doesn't know I have it, he cannot play it), lots of weird little things here and there, tons and tons of choral music, staff paper, a tambourine, a flip video camera, 1 sample trojan condom, a target gift card with 17 cents remaining on it, and a pair of slightly used Nike shox mens size 8.

Speak now or as Madea says, "put the shut to the up".