IT'S ABOUT FREAKIN TIME YOU POST A BLOG

Hellerrrrrrr...... (did I tell you I love Tyler Perry/Madea?)

Ok, Ok, so I haven't blogged since January 20th. I have been a little busy. Of sorts.

I will skip all the yucky stuff and go straight to the kicker.

I. Turned. 40.

Yep, I bit the bullet, had the birthday, and have the pictures to prove it. I got crabs at Joe's Crab Shack with some friends and partied like it was... um... well, we at least ate good food.


then...

I was nagged/fussed at/consulted/adviced (is that a word?) by my best friend Amy House to go to the gyn and get my issued checked out. Saw him on a Wed, had a biopsy the next day, and last Tuesday was told that I have Endometrial Hyperplasia of the Uterus. (insert trumpet fanfare here)

On March 31st I am going to PMC to get sliced and diced and have a hysterectomy. Now, Dr. Perez did a bad thing and told them I was diabetic, so I expect all my loving friends (you know who you are) to SMUGGLE ME IN SOME REAL FOOD. Parrish Medical Center has great food for hospital food, unless you are on a diabetic/you're-obese diet. I cannot heal without sustenance, right???? FEED MY SEYMOUR!

Hmm, that reminds me of a song I love....SUDDENLY SEYMOOOOOOOOUUUUUURRRR, IS STANDING BESIDE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.....

sorry. broadway moment.

So, I am also needing someone to be in charge of my crackberry, pry it from my fingers when I am put out, and place it back in my left hand just before the anesthesia wears off. If not, I may have a panic attack that converts to a heart attack and die. You wouldn't want to be responsible for my death, would you?

Yes, I am addicted to Facebook, blogging, Craigslist curb alerts, and sweetfreestuff.com- so whaddya gonna do about it? It is better than being addicted to mashed potatoes and bologna isn't it?

Ok, ok, the CHRISTIAN answer is "you should be addicted to Jesus".... but hey, Jesus had addictions too!!!! I read it in my Bible. Go ahead, read the Gospels. He was addicted to exercise, for one thing. He walked most everywhere he went, EVEN ON WATER.

Can I get an "ament" or a "hallelujer"?

I should be addicted to my husband or son. Well, I have been, to the point of neglecting myself. That is what got me in the situation I am in. Not dealing with reality by dealing with their realities. Yep. My crazy doctor taught me that. He is a good Jew, too.

Now it is ME TIME, everyone keeps telling me to take some ME TIME, so I am going to take some ME TIME and use gorilla glue to keep my blackberry in my hand during surgery. I will disinfect it. Hey now, you never know when Kristin and Matt are going to say something of vital importance to the humor community of which I am a member. The only person who can make me laugh more is my husband, Dan, and he will be too worried about me to make me laugh.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO ENJOY A "JOY LIST"- credit to my peeps Amy B. cause I stole it from her blog:

1] pictures of my new niece, Alivia. Can't get enough of them
2] staring into my sons eyes on the few occasions that I can get him to make eye contact with me up close
3] brewsters birthday cake icecream
4] bonnie armes red velvet cake- had it only once in my life but it has been on my mind recently because I need some
5] Lexapro. My happy pill. Need I say more?
6] Amy House, for possibly saving my life... again.
7] Dr. Perez, for saving my life too
8] Dan... he makes me feel protected and comfortable, and tries his darnedest to keep my craziness under control
9] my kid in his NJROTC uniform. because just a year ago he was so very bad off.
10] hot chocolate from Sunrise Bakery, medium size because large gets cold before I am ready to finish it- like Amy B's Jamba Juice (or whatever that HI place is she gets her drinks)- there is nothing like it.

See, a lot of my list had to do with food today. That is because I am in eating mode. Those stupid hormones the doctor gave me have made me want to eat and eat and eat lately. Good think we are low on groceries.

On another random jaunt, does anyone need a condom?

Ok, everyone wipe up the liquids they just spewed threw their noses onto their computer screens.

I triple love getting free samples in the mail. Love it!

So in the mailbox yesterday was a free Trojan Her Pleasure lubricated premium latex condom.

Really.

Need it? I don't. It's yours.

Nuff said.

I also got a sample of Maybelline New York Dream Liquid Mousse Airbrush Natural Finish Air-Whipped Liquid Mousse Texture.

Need it? I don't. It's yours.

Did you know that you can go to Marvel.com and create yourself as a superhero? It is really fun.

The other day, in the "as seen on tv" section of Walgreens (another addiction, checking out as seen on tv stuff, holding my breath for shamwows to be in the stores), I saw a PedEgg with a handle on it. Now, I have not seen these infomercials on tv yet. Do they have fat people like me who might not be able to bend over and bring their foot up high enough so that they can sand the cement like dry skin off of their feet using this product? Does it show them holding their breath trying to grab their pantleg and jerk their foot up to their "lap" area? Then, giving up because without oxygen, one cannot LIVE, does it show them happily sanding away with there new PedEgg with the handle on it?

these things bother me.

Another thing that bothers me is when other people use my deodorant. But, you don't want to hear about all my issues, there isn't enough space on the Internet.

I am going to make a will before my surgery. All requests for my garb must be submitted by next Tuesday. Why next Tuesday? Because it is my crap, my will, and I picked that day.

I have lots of jewelry (I think I have like 4 rings... don't all jump at once), two guitars, a ukulele, a blackberry, a broken Canon EOS 700 series 35 mm camera, lots of clothes that fit fat people, an awesome "are you smarter than a 5th grader" handheld game, a Wii surgery game (tad doesn't know I have it, he cannot play it), lots of weird little things here and there, tons and tons of choral music, staff paper, a tambourine, a flip video camera, 1 sample trojan condom, a target gift card with 17 cents remaining on it, and a pair of slightly used Nike shox mens size 8.

Speak now or as Madea says, "put the shut to the up".

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The Roller Coaster Stalled

So I have not been eating right the past week. One meal a day would be very healthy, sometimes two meals. But at least one meal was unhealthy and snacks were not always healthy. I also was not drinking enough water, which made me even more hungry.

So, I made the roller coaster start back up the hill tonight. We had baked chicken, brown rice, and steamed fresh broccoli. It was good, except for the rice- that tasted like cardboard. I just don't like rice unless it is white, fluffy and gooey. But, those days are gone I guess.

I also have had a couple of pepsi's this last week. I said it before and I'll say it again: I crave pepsi like an alcoholic craves alcohol.

Not eating right this past week has made me not want to excercise. I have done the strength training, but the cardio? pthht. Nope. I did last Thursday. But not like I need to be doing it AT ALL. I will hit the gym harder tomorrow. Start over.

When I don't eat right, I feel sick, I get sick, I am tired, grouchy, depressed, the list goes on and on.

Tonight for snack I made 80 calorie instant chocolate pudding with fat free milk. It is chilling now. While I will WANT the entire box of single servings, I am only having one. So is Tad.

I am not going to post blog notices on my facebook page anymore, because there are people on facebook that I may not want to share this journey with. You will get a notice in your inbox this time, but you might want to subscribe to my blog so you get update notices.

More later....

Stuff and more Stuff

First, let me say thank you to so many that have offered special words after the recent blog. Most of them have sensitive issues in them, so I did not publish those comments. So, if you get a "reject" notice, it is not because I didn't like what you said, just thought you may not want it out there for the world to see.

Next, let me fill you in on a meeting Dan and I went to this afternoon. We met with 1st Sgt. Hinson at Titusville High School about Tad starting NJROTC tomorrow. We are very excited about Tad becoming Cadet Wilson. When we struggled so much these last years not even knowing if we could keep Tad in our home, we never ever thought something like this would be possible. It is official now. Tad will be issued his PT uniform this afternoon for tomorrow and on Thursday will be issued his real uniform, brass belt buckle and all. I can't wait to see him in it. Tad is very excited as well. I think he will thrive in the environment. He already respects 1st Sgt. and 1st Sgt. assured us his other cadets will treat Tad with respect and help him advance as far as he can in ROTC.

God blows my mind on a daily basis.

sucky day yad ykcus

I hate mirrors. I have no extra mirrors in my house. I never have. Since Dan and I got married, if it was not attached to a wall, there was nary a mirror brought into my house with the exception of a shaving mirror or two for Dan. Once, Dan came in from Walmart or somewhere similar with a mirror that you hang on the back of a door. I made sure it was not the bedroom door and just happened to not be upset when Dan slammed the door it was on and broke it. Tad got Dan a shower radio for Christmas from Walmart. It has a mirror. I hang a towel over it.

I look into a mirror once a day to blow dry my hair and brush my teeth. I only look from my neck up.

At the top of the stairs at church just outside my office door there is a mirror. I assume it is for the choir and pastors to check themselves before they enter the Sanctuary. Not good to preach with an open fly. Every once and awhile I catch a glance of myself while I am walking into my office or the choir room. The first thing I think is "Dear God, who is that poor fat person" then quickly realise it is me. Without looking at a mirror I can fool myself into forgetting for a brief moment how fat I really am.

Yesterday I got a new hair style. I forgot to watch closely after she cut it to learn how to style it. I would have to look into the mirror to do that. So this morning, while getting ready for church, I had to really look into the mirror to try and fix my hair. I got so frustrated with not being able to concentrate just on the neck up that I gave up on the hair. Thanks to all that said they liked the new "do", but it was not quite how it should look, because I hate mirrors.

If I ever do break my routine or have an issue that causes me to look into the mirror, I see what I saw this morning. I see things that make me gag and sometimes I actually throw up. I hate throwing up as much as I hate mirrors. I gag easily, I throw up when I brush my teeth in the mornings about 3 times a week. It is highly entertaining to my autistic son. He screams with glee when I hit the jackpot for him after my Crest.

Anyway. When I really, really look into a mirror, I see why I cannot breathe right. I see why my feet hurt so bad at the end of the day that I have to wear flip flops and cannot go barefoot or I cannot walk. I see why my knees hurt every single day. I see why my hips hurt. I see my skin breaking down here, skin thickening there, a skin fungal infection over there. Told you it was gag worthy. And then there are the places that I cannot see. They bother me even more than the places that I can see.

A very, very nice lady at church brought me some very, very nice clothes a few weeks ago because she has lost a bunch of weight lately and cannot wear them anymore. I am too embarrassed to tell her they are about 2-3 sizes too small. I first thought "that is ok, I will wear them soon, I will get there". Then after a day like today, I think I will never get there. Ever. Never.

I have family that is super against gastric surgery. I spent a week with a family member that had gastric surgery one year ago this January. I watched her carefully. I watched her live her life. She looks into mirrors a lot. She is very healthy. She is beautiful. She is fun. Have you ever seen anyone "flit about"?? She flits. When she moves from the chair to the kitchen, she is light on her feet.

I am very, very discouraged with my current weight loss program. I am not going to quit, because I am very afraid that if I quit, I will die very soon from being fat. I will have a heart attack, or quit breathing at night, or get stuck somewhere.... but if I could, if I could find a way, if I could make a way, I would have surgery tomorrow. I would not tell my mother or sister so they would not worry until it was all over.

But, I cannot have the surgery. That is my reality. I have great debt that I am paying back and will not be done paying it back for many months. My insurance pays well for the surgery... but doesn't pay everything. Sometimes I have a dream that I have won enough money in the lottery to pay my debts and have the surgery. After those dreams I have actually bought lottery tickets. I bought a powerball ticket last week. Guess what, I didn't win anything. Of course. Because I really know that the lottery is not the answer for me.

I am not ready to accept that I will never be able to have the life saving surgery that I desperately want. I just cannot accept it yet. I am not loosing weight fast enough. I am not having any problems doing my weight training part of my exercise plan, but have lost all motivation for cardio, and the cardio is what helps drop the weight. I hurt when I do the cardio and I get very depressed when I can only do 15 minutes on the treadmill.

I had serious problems with depression this past year. There were many many days that I did not want to live for 2 more minutes and was ready to check out. God drug me through all of that crap by the top of my head. Funny thing is, now that I really WANT to live, I bump into a mirror and see that I am quickly dying from what I have done to myself the last 39 years. Ironic.

So Stephanie and Jeannie D., here was your blog update. It wasn't funny this time. Sorry. But it was very, very truth filled.

So as not to lead you to believe I am going to sink into a deeper depression tonight and try to off myself, I will borrow a "joy list" from my friend in Hawaii, Amy, and list the joys from today:

1] got to hug and kiss my little friend baby Joe, who is a few months old, after church this morning. There is nothing like some baby lovin' from little Joseph. I did not hug and kiss his teenage brother in the same fashion, so as not to embarrass Justin. But he is just as huggable and a great, great kid.
2] I got to see pictures of my sister, Bonnie, in all her pregnant glory on her husband's Facebook and it was a joy to see how beautiful she was. She is so pregnant, even her LIPS are pregnant. It is a blessing.
3] I enjoyed seeing Dan happy after the Steelers won an important game tonight.
4] I got a great goodbye hug from my mom after church... she is off to Georgia for her turn at taking care of Grandma, then off to Bonnie's to help her birth a baby.
5] got to smile and laugh at the cuteness of my best friend, Amy H.'s son, Ridge, playing at church tonight. He always makes me laugh and smile.
6] got cuddle time with my 15 year old at bedtime. I know a lot of moms do not get that privilege from a 15 year old. Makes me feel better about missing his first 8 years.
7] got to visit my friend Chris Stahre, the Marine, and congratulate him at an open house at his 'rents home. Happy and Sad that Chris is leaving tomorrow for his infantry training or something Marine like that, and then he will probably be shipped off to war, but Chris is loving every minute of it and I am so very proud of him. He enjoyed talking to Tad about ROTC and veins. Made Tad's day.

So, that is what I have to blog about today. Stupid mirrors. And happy babies. I am going to take my meds and hit the hey now. Stephanie and Jeannie D., hope you enjoyed the blog.

The Blog Order Placed by Stephanie

OK Steph, here it is. I am blogging for you.

We are in Woodstock, VA with Dan's sister, Kathleen, husb. Jonathan, and nephews Tyler and Sam. Luke and Amanda are home in Ohio. Tyler's fiance, Katie, is with her fam in Ohio.

This morning, we went to the church Jonathan pastors: Waterbrook Brethren Church in Edinburg, VA. Outside the windows of the sanctuary you are surrounded by mountains. Beautiful. It was very hard to concentrate. I should have concentrated because I did a piano concert in the morning service at Jonathan's request. They opened worship with a Christmas carol and praise songs with Jonathan on guitar, another guy on acoustic bass, and Sam on drums. I loved it. They don't have a piano player right now. Their church is uber-casual. The bass player had on a hoodie and flip flops. Jonathan wears a coat and tie, but I think he was the only one. It is a very friendly congregation. I noticed on thier bulletin they had 88 or so in church last Sunday.

They start worship at9am and have Sunday School afterwards. I was not awake. I am glad we sang and took up the offering before I had to play. zzzzzzzzzzz

We are enjoying being with the family very very much. Tad is being spoiled by his Aunt. He got a replacement helicopter from Walmart yesterday to replace the one that came out of the box broken on Christmas Day. Yay Walmart, it was on clearance for $15!!!! Cheaper than the off brand one that we got him for Christmas. He loves his "havoc heli" and enjoys flying it into the ceiling.

We wanted to see snow but we don't see any in the forecast until the day we leave. We are traveling across the mountains today, though, through Maryland, West Virginia and into PA to see Dan's other sister, Nancy, in a nursing home. This will be the first time Tad sees her since she became paralyzed and we are praying he is ok and doesn't pester her. He loves her very much and we do too. We are going to find a cheap no-tell-mo-tel to stay in overnight and come back to the Dowdy family tomorrow. It should be colder in those mountains so maybe we will find some remnant of snow.

My sister-in-law gave me bear poop for Christmas. It was candy that looked like poop. Does she get me, or what???

I love their house here. Last night we all got on our swimsuits, ran quickly out the door and got into the spa on the back of the house. We looked over the mountains and watched for falling stars. It was an awesome experience. If you got hot, you just had to stand up and instantly you were freezing again. They said it is really neat when it is snowing. Let us all pause now for a moment of prayer that we get to spa in the snow before we have to go back to hot and humid Florida.

We are going to let Tad sled down the grassy hill today. Can you tell we are tourist?

This house is surrounded by farmlands with sheep and cattle. Have you ever been close to a sheep farm? Jesus, lover of my soul, does it stink!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, gotta get off the computer and help with lunch.

Later Stephanie and all my fans.

Oh, it is easy to watch my food here because Kathleen had bypass surgery last year, and she cooks very healthy. Oh, and looks freakin awesome, by the way.

More later with pics.

One last thing: DID FSU ROCK YESTERDAY OR WHAT!?!

go Me

The plan was to sleep in this morning. I prayed that Tad would so I could.

He did. I woke up at 5am. Wide awake. Watched tv til 6. Got a shower, went to the gym and worked out for 1 1/2 hours. Longest I have ever worked out.

Yay me.

It is 9:29. I am going to bed.