My first blog in my journey

So I thought I would start blogging about my journey to get healthy... even if nobody reads it, I can use it to journal my plunge into the depths of mass loss. You can read it if you want to, I won't hold a gun to your head. If you comment and say you hate it.. um, I won't post your comment. Duh. Go read something else. If you comment because you want to encourage me, or just make me laugh, I'll take all that I can get. This first one is going to be long to catch you up to speed.

I don't have much time at home, so I am going to blog on my lunch hour at work. ON MY LUNCH HOUR, PEOPLE, NOT ON THE CLOCK... =) That will #1 keep me at work and not eating out so I eat healthy, and #2 keep me from eating the entire hour, and only eating my portioned food. I can also refer my crazy doc to my blog if I feel there is something he needs to read that I can type, but I can't speak. Yep, I see a crazy doc. One of the best decisions of my life. Everyone should have a crazy doc [read: psychiatrist]. More on that later.

I've tried. I've tried and quit. I am one big fat quitter. I am the biggest I have ever been in my life. I ain't proud, it's just a fact. I finally, finally have accepted that I can't loose it for Dan. I can't loose it for Tad. I can't loose it for my family. I can't loose it for my church family. I have to loose it for myself. I am ready.

Things finally started to change when I had to start using a cpap to breathe at night. It is very eye opening to look on your bedside table every night and see a machine that you have to use while you sleep or you could die. About that time, I realized that I could hear myself breathe. I freak out every day when I am quiet and realize that noise I hear is my lungs trying to fill with air. It just ain't right! I also had a moment of "aha" (for all you Oprah peeps- but I don't watch her) when I realized that I was severely, clinically depressed. I think I have been since I was a teenager. I think it has a whole lot to do with hormonal imbalances and my brain chemistry. A whole lot of good things have happened in my life. More than I can remember. But also, some bad crap has happened. Bad crap that I wouldn't let go of and let it ruin parts of me. I would get counseling from time to time and convince myself and others that I was fine. I was not fine.

I am ready to say, "hey, I am broken. I need healing. Go ahead God, take it, it's all Yours". I gave him the crap. What a gift. Here ya' go, Creator of me, take this load of horse poop, it stinks and I'm not carrying it anymore. It's killing me. My load of crap made me feel so terrrible that I choose to do crappy things. I treated people crappy. I gave Him my crap, and I also asked Him to forgive me for the crappy things. He did. I see my crazy doc to get medicine to help me not be depressed- to stabalize the chemicals that can't do it on their own- and to help me keep from reaching back and trying to grab a handful of that crap I gave away. It works for me.

So, now that the crap is in control [my blog goal today- how many times can I use 'crap' in one blog] I am working on the outer part of me. The "fluffy part" as Garfield likes to call it. The tonnage. See, until just a few weeks ago, I could look at a picture of me from high school and I would see me as I am now, which is about 175 pounds more than I was then. Now, I can look at a picture of me from high school and see a skinny me. Not a Callista Flock-fart me, not a stick-chick me, but a Callie sized me [a gray's anatomy reference for all my gray's peeps out there]. Now, I am ready.

Over the summer I worked with a nutritionist from Parrish Medical Center, our hospital. I lost weight quickly over about a month. I quit. I didn't move. When I started to plateau because of lack of excercize, I quit. What a wuss. I wasn't ready then. I was mad because I couldn't afford Gastric Lap Band surgery. [another blog for another time] I am ready now.

Now, I am ready, and there is a program at the hospital's fitness center. It combines a Dietician, a Fitness Trainer [I get Joe, he is cool.. hey, Joe Cool, I think I'll call him that!] and a Lifestyle Coach, plus the use of all the gym for 30 days. From then on, if you need additional support from them, you can get it, or just continue on your own. It also has a weekly 'support group' [hate that term, more on that later too] that is similar to the weight watchers weekly program. I started last week with a bang. I am excited. I had to pay a pretty chunk of change for this, so that helps me stick to it. If it were free, I probably would be tempted to quit.

So God is working out all these great plans to help me. Dan is a gym rat. He loves going to the fitness center. I always thought he loved it to get away from me and Tad, but no, he just loves it! We rarely get to do anything together without Tad. We have tried to get respite care for Tad since we adopted him. FINALLY the state has come through. We interviewed two people last Thursday night that meet our approval so far. One is starting Tuesday night this week. On Tuesday's and Thursday's Dan and I will be able to go to the gym TOGETHER and work out. My dad watched Tad for an hour on Saturday so Dan and I could try it. I loved it. We were both doing our own thing for the beginning, then Dan came and helped me and taught me how to use some of the equipment. I don't meet with my trainer until tomorrow, but have already started using some of the stuff now to get moving [see the next blog about my first gym experiences].

I am doing it. I am not quitting. I will not quit. I am borderline diabetic. I hate poking my fingers and can't wait for the day that I can quit. I hate using a breathing machine at night and can't wait for the day that I can quit that too. These are the things that I am allowing myself to quit. I am not quitting the weight loss program.

So, I am fired up today. But help me tomorrow. I will get depressed again, I will want to give up again, I will want brewsters ice cream again.... the list goes on and on. But, I feel better, after just a few days of movement at the gym, I already feel better. We already have plans on how we [Dan and I] are going to work out while in Georgia for Thanksgiving at Grandma's house. Me, I have a workout plan. Makes me snicker.

Lunch break almost over, and I have to tell you a few more things. Check out the next few posts.