The Blog Order Placed by Stephanie

OK Steph, here it is. I am blogging for you.

We are in Woodstock, VA with Dan's sister, Kathleen, husb. Jonathan, and nephews Tyler and Sam. Luke and Amanda are home in Ohio. Tyler's fiance, Katie, is with her fam in Ohio.

This morning, we went to the church Jonathan pastors: Waterbrook Brethren Church in Edinburg, VA. Outside the windows of the sanctuary you are surrounded by mountains. Beautiful. It was very hard to concentrate. I should have concentrated because I did a piano concert in the morning service at Jonathan's request. They opened worship with a Christmas carol and praise songs with Jonathan on guitar, another guy on acoustic bass, and Sam on drums. I loved it. They don't have a piano player right now. Their church is uber-casual. The bass player had on a hoodie and flip flops. Jonathan wears a coat and tie, but I think he was the only one. It is a very friendly congregation. I noticed on thier bulletin they had 88 or so in church last Sunday.

They start worship at9am and have Sunday School afterwards. I was not awake. I am glad we sang and took up the offering before I had to play. zzzzzzzzzzz

We are enjoying being with the family very very much. Tad is being spoiled by his Aunt. He got a replacement helicopter from Walmart yesterday to replace the one that came out of the box broken on Christmas Day. Yay Walmart, it was on clearance for $15!!!! Cheaper than the off brand one that we got him for Christmas. He loves his "havoc heli" and enjoys flying it into the ceiling.

We wanted to see snow but we don't see any in the forecast until the day we leave. We are traveling across the mountains today, though, through Maryland, West Virginia and into PA to see Dan's other sister, Nancy, in a nursing home. This will be the first time Tad sees her since she became paralyzed and we are praying he is ok and doesn't pester her. He loves her very much and we do too. We are going to find a cheap no-tell-mo-tel to stay in overnight and come back to the Dowdy family tomorrow. It should be colder in those mountains so maybe we will find some remnant of snow.

My sister-in-law gave me bear poop for Christmas. It was candy that looked like poop. Does she get me, or what???

I love their house here. Last night we all got on our swimsuits, ran quickly out the door and got into the spa on the back of the house. We looked over the mountains and watched for falling stars. It was an awesome experience. If you got hot, you just had to stand up and instantly you were freezing again. They said it is really neat when it is snowing. Let us all pause now for a moment of prayer that we get to spa in the snow before we have to go back to hot and humid Florida.

We are going to let Tad sled down the grassy hill today. Can you tell we are tourist?

This house is surrounded by farmlands with sheep and cattle. Have you ever been close to a sheep farm? Jesus, lover of my soul, does it stink!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, gotta get off the computer and help with lunch.

Later Stephanie and all my fans.

Oh, it is easy to watch my food here because Kathleen had bypass surgery last year, and she cooks very healthy. Oh, and looks freakin awesome, by the way.

More later with pics.

One last thing: DID FSU ROCK YESTERDAY OR WHAT!?!

go Me

The plan was to sleep in this morning. I prayed that Tad would so I could.

He did. I woke up at 5am. Wide awake. Watched tv til 6. Got a shower, went to the gym and worked out for 1 1/2 hours. Longest I have ever worked out.

Yay me.

It is 9:29. I am going to bed.

Christmas with No Stress

So I had an appointment with the crazy doctor yesterday. We talked about executing the no-stress Christmas. I have a list of things I am going to accomplish.

1] sticking to the budget that Dan and I both agreed upon no matter what we find on sale.
2] not stressing about tradition changes and go with the flow
3] keeping a filter on my mouth when I get stressed out
4] Not feeling guilty about sticking to a budget even if it means doing considerably less for others than I did last year.

How am I doing so far?

1] easier than I thought, yet harder than I thought. I found some really really good bargains on the things Dan and I planned to buy. We had great conversations about budgeting and whether or not to buy for each other. But, re: #4 I do feel very guilty about not being able to do much for some people. I will work through it.

2] I am not directing the handbell choir this semester, so no handbell concert for Christmas. I am not doing a piano concert at my home church this Christmas. I am doing a mini concert in Virginia at my Sis-in-laws church, but I feel good about this one. No pressure situation. My mom is having her big hoo hah this Sunday because she needs to be at Grandma's for Christmas. We are having my dad over Christmas Day so he will not be alone. He can play with Tad's new toys. It will be different, but I am looking forward to the change. Plus, you all know I will call my mom 1000 times on Christmas Day. So will Tad. He is getting the cell phone he wanted.

3] All except asking an idiot to be quiet or leave Sunday night when he was talking through the Adult Choir Christmas Cantata, I think I have done very well with this one.

4] see #1

So I am sitting here staring at the Christmas Tree with all the stuff underneath and remembered that in preparation for Christmas on a Budget 2008 I bought a few things for Tad several months ago and put them in my closet. I just found them and wrapped them all separate so it looks like more presents.

Oh, I worked out today and my legs feel like marshmallows. Great workout.

Keep encouraging my workouts, I need my cheerleaders!!!

Oh, and Pepsi tastes very very nasty to me. I had a little tonight and the first sip was oh so good until I swallowed it. I drank about 5 sips and each one got nastier and nastier. A little bit of me died tonight. I will wear a black ribbon tomorrow to mourn my pepsidom.

"I do have standards, I just forgot where I put them"

One of my fave blogs is "Stacy from Louisville" . Her blog is subtitled the title of today's blog. It kind of is my day today.

My standards regarding weight loss change minute by minute. Yesterday I got to spend most of the day with my sister-in-law, her husband, her son, and her daughter-in-law. They were down from Virginia and Ohio. I also spent time with my local sis-in-law and her husband. My VA s-i-l had a surgical proceedure 11 months ago to aid in weight loss. She looks freakin fantastic. My local s-i-l has a daughter up north that had the surgery 1 year ago and has lost 160+ pounds so far, if I remember correctly from the fog it instantly put my brain in as I tried to picture her at the new weight.

I have gained 3 pounds since last week. I attributed it to my eating Valerie's brownie pie Friday night, and eating too much of the right stuff the rest of the time this past week. As I started to get in a funk, my trainer, Joe Cool, reminded me about "INCHES not POUNDS"... though I don't know yet how many inches I have lost. My "camel hump" behind my neck on my upper back is smaller. I can feel that. Camel hump. Attractive names we obese people give our fatty deposits. Eww. Just. Eww.

I just watched the Biggest Loser finale. You know, one of the finalist last season is from Titusville. I wonder if she works out at PMC. Probably not, since she is a Wuesthoff Hospital nurse. Anyway, that show makes you jealous of their ablility to have 4 hours of workout in their routine at home. Really now, who can do that???

I still am jealous of their loss.

I am jealous that my s-i-l and neice got to have surgery and I can't. I don't want the exact surgery they had, but still...

I am mad at myself for being jealous.

I want to eat cake, but I ate a salad for a snack instead. Did not taste like chocolate to me at all.

I had chocolate today. I thought I bought a bag of snyders pretzels at 7-11 to go with my sandwich for lunch. I have this obsessive thing I do... I won't take the bag in front, I reach behind for the second bag. When I got back to the church, I blindly opened the bag and reached in. It felt funny. I looked and I had a bag of snyders pretzels DIPPED IN HERSHEY'S CHOCOLATE!!!!!! Now, I could have had 7 of them, been satisfied, and not been in trouble at all. Nope. Ate the whole dang bag. Felt sick all afternoon. I ate 500 calories of pretzels and chocolate today. It was the size of a small potato chip bag, and it was 500 calories!! I ate it.

I can kick myself in the head about it and give up, or just try again tomorrow.

I will try again tomorrow. Glad I see my crazy doc tomorrow. Maybe he can provide some insight. Hmmm...

Going to sleep now.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Words of Excercise Wisdom

DO NOT... I repeat... DO NOT eat salsa for lunch and two hours later have a fitness training session with Joe Cool. Specifically, the Elliptical machine. You will see your salsa twice.

Today we added Workout C. It has bicep and triceps stuff in it. I may not be able to move in the morning. This will cause complications when the congregation sings and I cannot lift my arms and hands to the piano keyboard.

There are times that I know I am going to be featured on video at the employee christmas party at the fitness center... in the blooper reel.

we partied like it was 1999

Last night was our Sunday School Christmas party. We had it catered from Pumpernickel's. Chicken Hunter, Au Gratin Potatoes, Green Beans... Amy brought Salad, June brought Chocolate Chip Cookie Bars, and Valarie, God bless that woman, brought Brownie Pie.

I was NOT on my diet last night. I planned for two weeks to be off last night just for Valarie's dessert. She baked a pan of brownies. On top of that she put a layer of chocolate frosting with nuts, on top of that banana pudding, on top of that a layer of cool whip, and on top of that sliced bananas. Never in my life have I liked anything containing banana pudding. I ate two servings of it. I would have had three- I was planning on having one last serving for breakfast today- but some gremlin ate the rest in the middle of the night. I think the gremlin's name was Dan.

So today, back on the diet. I have an appointment with Joe Cool at 2pm today for an hour session in the gym. I need to double my cardio today to work off last night, I am sure.

We should have done the gift exchange this year. For some reason we decided not to do it. We are now planning a Christmas in July party to do an exchange then. It was fun visiting with everyone last night. I got my baby fix holding Valarie and Joseph's son, Joseph Jr. - he is the most cuddly baby I have ever been around. He snuggles up against you and smiles and drools. I think he is working on a tooth. Dan held him for a very long time. He kind of looks like Dan. Joseph is going to have red hair. Makes me realize that wanting to give birth is a feeling I am never ever going to be able to shake. I love my son Tad, but still want to have a baby from infancy. Maybe one day I will be one of those moms with a 18 year old and an 8 month old. That would be so cool.

Not being able to give birth can really mess with your head.

Gotta go get dressed now and stop watching Shawshank Redemption. I have it memorized, don't know why I watch it over and over.

Later my peeps.

A Day of Sadness

So today we took Tad to his first funeral. It was very sad. Tad wanted to approach the casket before the service started and I took him up to the body. Dan just couldn't do it and saved our seats. Tad looked at Zach's body, asked a few appropriate questions, then he patted Zach on the chest and said, "goodbye Zach. You are my friend and I love you." Then we both cried. I walked him to our seats where he buried his head in Dan's chest and cried some more.

They showed a power point thing at the beginning of the service. It smacked me and Dan in the face with fear. There is Zach with Thomas the Tank Engine, Zach doing crafts, Zach loving butterflies, Zach in a suit going to his first dance, Zach wearing beads around his neck... so many things were similar to Tad's likes and dislikes. As Dan and I comforted Tad after the funeral when Tad asked again if he was going to die the next time he has a seizure like Zach did... "no, Tad, you won't die"... our hearts were crying out "OH MY GOSH, THAT COULD BE US, WHAT IF TAD DIES"

Tad is not going to die from his seizures. They are well under control. He has an implant and medication. He is fine.

Keep telling ourselves that. He is fine.

I cannot live without him. He is fine.

On a happier note... thanks to all who read my blog and offer words of support and encouragement.

Biggest Loser

As I sit here watching The Biggest Loser finale, I will blog about my 4 week weigh in today. I was not happy. I cannot seem to focus on the inches rather than the numbers like I am supposed to do. I lost 4.6 pounds in 4 weeks. I wish it was three times that amount. I am a little down about that today. I am going to have to work with my trainer to find cardio that will be less painful with all this fatness on me so I can do cardio LONGER each session which will drop the fat quicker.

Tomorrow, we are taking Tad to his first funeral. Sad stuff. But he needs to say goodbye to his friend, Zach.

Oh, and I did try to sleep with him last night. When he finally figured out I wasn't leaving his bed, he kicked me out. So, I just checked on him a few times during the night to make sure he was still breathing. ... because I am obsessive like that.

Tomorrow, after funeral before church: lots of cardio. I may arrive stinky to AWANA. Oh well.

Sad and Scary

Today I took Tad to get his haircut. You are not required to get a haircut in order to have an EEG done. However, as a mommy of someone who doesn't have patience in getting his hair clean: when the neurologist office is going to cement leads to your child's head... many, many leads, you want an easy cleanup. Long hair is not easy.

So off we went to fantastic Sam's.

After his haircut, he got dark all the sudden. "Mommy, my friend Zach died this weekend. He had a seizure. He is with Jesus now. God said, 'Enough, get on up here with me, Zach'. So Zach obeyed God. I am sad, but I do not need to cry."

After I verified the facts, which of course Tad had down perfectly, I got scared. Zach and Tad have gone to school together long before Tad ever came into our lives. Since a pre-k program for autistic kids. Zach could not speak, but could communicate very well with sign language and in other ways. When we enrolled Tad in Coquina Elementary after we brought him to our home, Zach soon followed. When Tad arrived at THS after a stint at Fieldston, Zach was there too. Zach went to live with his Dad and they haven't been together for about a year I guess.

If Tad thinks that he is sleeping without me by his side tonight, he has another thing coming. Every time he moves, I will be checking to see if he is ok. Tad's seizures are very very stable. But it is hard not to freak out as a mommy and think my child could be one bad one away from death.

Scares me. A lot.

blogitis

I am doing an end-of-the-day, nothing-going-on-at-work blog. There are exactly 26 minutes left to my workday.

It was so slow, I already changed into my workout garb. No Jane Fonda outfits here, no no, just shorts, Team Impact t-shirt and tennies.

I reached down to scratch the top of my knee and KABLAMMO! I had the most gut-wrenching pain in my lower right abdomen! It doubled me over, I was kind of stuck in that position for about a minute and a half while I waited for it to stop. I was moaning in pain. I have no idea what it was. It went as quickly as it came. I walked down the hallway and back again. No problems. Now.. it is slowly creeping back. What the heck?!?

Today is just a cardio day. No weights. I am going to the gym and do the treadmill. If it happens again, I'll get it checked out. Wow, made me break out into a sweat!!

I know what it is. I've been waiting for my body to go on strike against this new thing called "excercise" that it was not used to at all. Maybe my body's union finally said it needed to go on strike. Hmmm.

Oh well.

I found out yesterday while working out that if I read while on the treadmill, the time just flies by. I am reading Valerie Bertanelli's (sp?) book about her life journey and weight loss. Since I was made when she married Eddie Van Halen and took him away from me, I have decided to forgive her and read her book. They are divorced, after all. I always wanted a kid named "Wolfgang" too, but no, she and Eddie had to steal that one from me.

Interesting book. A few bad words that I never thought she had in her vocabulary (don't know why I thought that, but I did), but all in all a good read so far. I'm sure I will finish it today. Next on the treadmill reading list I plan to re-read Wayne Stahre's book (available on Amazon.com) called "Flower: A Story of the Nativity"... Don't shoot me if I just flubbed up the title, but I think that is right. You can search for him on Amazon by author name anyway.

Great guy. Great book. Check it out for yourself. He rocks a book signing too.

Only 7 minutes have passed. *sigh*

Tommy Merrill, another good egg, is downstairs using chemicals to clean up some major glue residue in the fellowship hall. Maybe I will go keep him company until it is time to leave.

grace and mercy

Today is saturday. Well, it is only going to be Saturday for about an hour or so. Let me tell you about today.


Today I won. Even in my losses I won.

I battled with my stupid depression today. Lost some of the battles, but I did not eat my way through them, nor did I share the misery with my family. I battled alone today, which most times is not smart, but today I knew I could handle it on my own. I did not eat through it, which is a major triumph.

Went to Merritt Island today with Tad to a book signing our friend was having at Barnes and Nobles. It was fun to see him there all official and everything. Can't tell you more than that or it might give away Christmas secrets.

On the way home, Tad wanted to stop at Dairy Queen. Normally, I would be turning in before he even asked. Today, I said no. We stopped for gas because it was $1.65, and got a better snack there that didn't sabatoge my eating plan. I won there.

I lost later when Tad wanted McDonalds fries and I bought him a large and I got a small for myself. Ate it like a madman. Didn't need it, was not hungry, but ate it all. However, it was a small, and before all this I would have gotten a large... with a coke and burger to wash it down.
No coke today, no burger. Just hi quality H2O. I won there too.

I made mistakes today. But I am forgiven. I am not eating through them. I will be cleansed by forgiveness, mercy and grace.

Mercy and grace. I am leaning towards those tats.

I plan on eating off the meal plan on Friday night. Gotta have Valeries brownie dessert creation. It will be ok. Portions. That is what makes it ok. Portions. And not eating it 7 days a week.

I miss salt. I miss salt more than chocolate ice cream. I miss my pepsi too. Wow, that stuff must have crack in it because I really really really crave pepsi.

Had mostly water for 3 weeks now, with an occaisonal orange juice and milk. Yay me.

Yay yay it's Friday

So, I would have taken a picture of the box of Lean Pockets that I ate for lunch, but I just didn't have the energy. Point is, I ate it. And actually, I am full and satisfied. A relatively new feeling for me.

I never recall ever feeling full before. I noticed it last night. Dan and I had respite care last night at the house with Tad, so we went to buy Angel Tree gifts for his work project. We stopped at Sonny's to eat and both ordered the Salad Bar. This was post-workout for me, so I was a little tired.

I made one trip to the salad bar and was full after I ate everything. Full. I felt it. I stopped eating. I made the waitress take the other plates. I wanted more. But I didn't eat it.

Before our evening started: on the way home from work I was feeling really awful. My body hurt from head to toe, and I felt like I was starting to get an ear infection. It was one of those feelings that you know if you go home, take a warm bath and crawl into bed you will feel much better. I told Dan I was going to use yesterday as my day off of the gym. He said, "are you sure? " and then "ok". So by the time I got home, I said that I would go to the gym and just do the strength training. No cardio.

I got there and it was pretty empty. I stretched out, did my strength training and had 15 minutes to spare before I went home. I decided to get in at least 15 minutes of cardio before I left. I was feeling better. So I did my treadmill and stretched out before I went to the grocery store and home. Boy was I tired last night after we got back from shopping! I went to bed, struggled to stay awake during "Grey's Anatomy" and fell asleep.

Speaking of "Grey's" ... they annoyed me last night with the story lines. Nuff said. Still one of my fave shows.

I have been out every night this week except for Monday night, so tonight after my gym visit, I am going to stay home and finish decorating my trees and house. Tomorrow Tad wants us to take him to see Santa.

crap crap crap

Today I am depressed. The next song I compose will happen today and it will be called "The Crap of Life". I'm gonna copyright that, so no stealing!

Last night was the big post-Thanksgiving weigh in. I only lost 2 pounds. I would have bent over and picked up the scales to throw them, but Joe Cool had put me through more nazi torture devices for an entire hour before the weigh in.

Joe Cool says that I should not focus on the scales, but on my measurements. He is not going to remeasure me until after my four weeks with him. Two stinkin pounds. Two. Dos. AAAAAARGH!!!!!!

I feel like Charlie Brown being tempted by the football... I want to kick a field goal, I attend all the practices, I suit up and POW- the football is jerked away and I lost two measly pounds this past week.

Enough of that.

So, Joe Cool taught me my next strength training routine, a/k/a "Workout B". I'm sure they video taped it to use at the staff Christmas party for spit-n-giggles. There was this machine that some male sicko gynecologist invented, and right behind it was its twin. I swear, I cannot feel anything but pain in my thighs today. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

I'm gonna do cardio today before AWANA, then switch back to "Workout A" tomorrow. So I won't see Workout B again until Saturday. I should be in traction by then.

Today for lunch I ate low fat, low calorie, high sodium lasagna. It tasted like the box. Remember in school when we had pizza? Remember the pizza slices that were rectangular and you had to stack 3 inches of napkins on top to soak up the grease before you could pick it up and eat it? Then you could fling the napkin stack on the ceiling of the cafeteria and it would stick?? Remember? Was it just me? Remember the Naaaaaaaaaaasty little tiny seeds that were on it, some kind of spice, that would jab you in the gums between your molars and you would bleed? Remember?? Well, on this box-tasting-lasagna there was a plethora of those crappy seed thingies.

They look like miniature teeny tiny marijuana seeds. They taste like gym socks.

Hey, I watch COPS, I attended public school, I've seen my share of pot seeds.

I'm just sayin... it was nasty stuff.

But I'm full.

I almost chewed a piece of the box so I could compare the two. But I didn't.

It's all in the presentation....

My lunch today could have a hotdog or hamburger and fries in this little red basket that I found on top of the refrigerator in the church kitchen. But, alas, it contains my Kashi chicken crap with zucchini, squash, red peppers and some type of marinara-like substance. Low cal, Low salt, Low sat. fat, Low taste.

**sigh**

In other news, did I tell you all that tonight is weigh in night? If I didn't loose weight this past week, I will throw the scales at someone. That is what the support group is for, right? To catch the scales I throw? Do you think security will escort me off the property?? I want Joe Cool to re-measure me because I have lost inches in my abdomen, I can feel it in my pants.

Stop snickering, you weird people. Stop it now.

More Thanksgiving Pics

Tad Napping
Dan and Tad, the Showdown in the Backyard

Uncle Jimmy and Grandma

Daddy, Mother behind him, Aunt Sarah, Uncle Herbie and Tad

Dan and Me

The Cake

The food

More Food

Thanksgiving and More

So we went to Grandma's house in Waycross, GA for turkey day. My brother bailed at the last minute because he couldn't get off work until late Wednesday and told us not to wait for him. Dan, Tad and I left Wed. afternoon to drive up to Waycross.

I did not take the time to go to the gym before picking Tad up from school, then I let time get away from me, so Wednesday was one of my off days.



I drove because Dan was very tired from not sleeping much the night before... or that was his excuse.. ha... and the traffic was steady but not too bad. I probably went too fast, but I wanted to get to my Grandma as fast as I could. I wanted to spend every minute I could with her.

We got stopped by the Georgia Smokies and local police in a little bump-in-the-road town just north of the border, but so did everyone else. It was a DUI stop. We passed... in case you were wondering.


When we got to Grandma's we found my mother had been cooking for two days. See the pics below. I actually did very well eating. I did eat two pieces of the six layer chocolate cake Uncle Herbie and Aunt Sarah brought, one Thursday and one Friday.


I went walking Wednesday night and walked around Grandma's block twice (it is a big block) and Thursday Aunt Sarah went with me. I only made it around once Thursday. Friday was a travelling day, but Saturday I was back at the gym.


I found out over the holidays that I walk much, much farther and faster when I am on a treadmill than when out in nature. I also amped up my walking speed since I have been home. I was walking on the treadmill, top speed at the rate of "Popular" from the Broadway show "Wicked". Now I am warming up at the speed of "Seasons of Love" from "Rent" and then kicking it up faster after a 10 minute warm up.


On my cell phone's .mp3 I have my workout playlists. The most popular one has Billy Joel, Harry Connick, Jr., Blue Man Group, songs from Wicked and Rent, and of course, the amazing Captain and Tennille. Hey, I can get to walkin' to some Cap'n! Ok, stop laughing. It's not Muskrat Love, but Love that will keep us together, people!! Sometimes I wonder if I am blasting it so loud that my neighbors on the treadmills can hear my earphones, but then no, they can't because they aren't laughing hysterically.


Another observation from Thanksgiving: Uncle Jimmy's daughter, Denise, has lost over 60 pounds. I know this because I was reminded of it no less than 20 times by various family members. They must have thought I would jump at the competition. Denise is one month younger than I am. I have never, ever felt competitive with her. Whooptie-freakin'-do, Denise has lost weight. Good for her. This is not a blog about her, but about me. It's all about my choices. Denise didn't force donuts into me. I did. I love Denise. Yaaay Denise. Now stop telling me about her, because while I love her, I have to focus on myself.


Now, if you had told me my cousin KAREN had lost weight... well then, fights on sister!

I did get encouragement from my family while I was there. And I had a blast with Dan and Tad. Tad played and played out in Grandma's backyard. He built an Indian fort. He used his imagination more than he ever has. It was really fun. He played so hard that he took a nap on Grandma's couch in the living room.


I love my Grandma more than anything. She means the world to me. It is very hard to watch her be in pain and be confused. She repeats herself now. A whole lot. And she is hurting. It breaks my heart. I cannot put into words how much love I have for her. She really makes each grandchild feel like we are the "favorite grandchild". All 12 of us, plus our spouses. She loves us no matter what we do. And oh, man, does she love the great-grandchildren. She loves us so much that she prays for each of us. She is very worried about my sister, Bonnie and her pregnancy. She wants to see that baby so badly. I tried to convince her that Bonnie was very much doing fantastic, and that time was on her side now. She is still worried. That's ok, though, that means she will pray that much harder for Bonnie and Alivia, and Jason. They need all the prayers they can get. I joke with her that I know I am her fave because I am named after her. She just laughs and lets me keep thinking that. I wish I could see her every day.


So, Thanksgiving is over. I am still thankful. I am going to meet with Joe Cool, my trainer, tonight for another round of "Let's Turn Becki Into a Pretzel- Part Deux". I am going to see if he can teach me how to use the other modes of cardio without killing myself, so I don't get bored with treading the mill. I need to bring my cable to work to put more songs on my phone that I have on my computer at work. I love Harry C. Jr, but Frosty the Snowman is starting to irritate.

Oh, I have more to share that is non-thanksgiving and non-exercise related that is exciting... more later.

Some potential Tatts

Heartfire

Son I Loved You At Your Darkest

Alpha Omega

Mercy

Grace

These were all contestants in a tattoo contest on one of my favorite blogs. I liked these.

Tuesday, good day

My conversation with my son, Tad:

Me yesterday: What did you do at school today Tad?

Tad: Math

Me this morning: Why is there a big trophy in your room Tad?

Tad: Because I won it yesterday in the Jr. Olympics at school.

Me: why didn't you tell me?

Tad: why do you go to the gym every single day after work?

I guess that is his way of saying that I wasn't home so I lost out!

So at the fitness center yesterday I met for an hour with a nutritionist from the hospital. She had my records from when I saw the nutritionist over the summer. That was great because we just started from where I left off. She reviewed the meal plan, which is not a "diet", but just shows me how to eat properly. I am going to get 1800 calories a day, which is plenty to satisfy me. I have to count my fats and carbs. I have numbers on those also to limit intake. If I eat correctly, I will not be hungry. The snacks between meals will keep my blood sugar from being on a roller coaster. I did it in June, I can do it now. With the exercise, I will melt away into oblivion over the next 12 months.

Then, I am rewarding myself with a tattoo. Really. Not kidding. 100 pounds down= Tattoo. Dan said he'd pay for it. I'm really going to get one. Not a joke. Really am. I already know what I am going to get. Yepper. Gonna do it.

Today, we are closing the office at noon. I am going to go to the gym to do my "Workout A" and some cardio until 1pm. Then, I will pick up Tad from school, pick up Dan from the house, pick up my brother Tim from his house, and we will drive to Grandma's house in Waycross. Yipeeeee! Thursday is my cardio only day, so I will go walking in Waycross (the gym there is closed for renovations, I checked already). Friday I will do my "Workout A" when we get back to Titusville, or if we are late, it will be my off day and I'll do it Saturday. I can always go walking when we get home Friday.

I have a plan. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Merry Christmas

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Tad, Dan and Smokey

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Happy Thanksgiving

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Joe Cool's Revenge

So, I met with Joe Cool yesterday evening. I got my "fitness prescription" for the next four weeks. First he went over my reports. Yeah, that was pleasant, let me tell you. One page had my measurements on it and the header was "Circumference". I asked Joe if there wasn't a better way to label that page. He asked if I would rather it read "Girth". Point Joe.

We went out into the gym and Joe taught me how to use the fitness machines for my "Workout A", which targets my hammies, glutes, hips, knees, and a little upper body work. It is a 40 minute cycle of machines. Then he showed me my cardio workout. I also was introduced to the stretching thingy that I do before and after workouts. It was all very reminiscent of Nazi torture devices. I'm surprised the machines didn't have German names on them. "Next, you will use the Hamschnitzel Bender, on my count, begin". Set to Joe.

Next week Joe will teach me "Workout B". Then, I will learn "Workout C". The goal is to do Monday A, Wednesday B, Friday C. Cardio is M-F. Saturday and Sunday I will not workout. Joe Cool said the cardio is what will melt the fat away. The other stuff is for strength training, and since I have none, I need strength. It will also keep me from having as much folds of skin hanging after the fat is gone, though I will have some issues with that, because of my Circumference Page. Set and Match to Joe.

I am actually not too sore today. I am ready for another workout. It really does make your body chemicals give you a high. I like it. I like it a lot. And it isn't even "The Red Pill". Ooooo.

Yesterday, as Joe Cool was teaching, he said, "any questions so far?", to which I replied, "Just one, why is that gentleman working out in his suit?". Yes, there was a man there in his 70's working out in dress pants, dress shoes, shirt and tie. Still had his NASA badge clipped to his pocket protector. Rocket Scientists baffle me. Joe Cool had no answer, just shook his head and laughed at me. Point Becki.

Oh, the picture is from Tad's first homecoming- THS Homecoming 2008. What a beautiful and sweet Christian young lady. Elizabeth Rocks!!!! Sarah Palin Look Alike!

Monday monday

So, I took two days off of working out. I took two days off, but won the food battle, and still feel guilty. I meet with Joe Cool again today and get my "fitness prescription", so I figured that I will really hit it hard today. I had a very, very sore muscle in my neck and shoulder over the weekend, so I feel like I shouldn't have pushed it. We got a lot done at home too.

I do feel better already. I made it up all 3 flights of stairs yesterday to Sunday School without being out of breath. That is great progress for me! Even the "in shape" people are huffing and puffing most Sundays.

I also bench pressed canned goods this morning with Ben, our youth pastor, getting ready for the onslaught of hungry peeps. I carried 1 1/2 bags up the stairs. Ben carried a lot more. He rocks.

We have an easy week at work, so I can concentrate on getting healthy.

I found out fantastic news yesterday. I also found out not-so-tastic news yesterday. First the bad: My sister-in-law, Nancy, whom I love very much, is living with cancer. She suffers so much in pain and it is very hard not being able to help her much. She lives in PA. She had a bad setback on Saturday and ended up in the hospital in WV (Ruby in Morgantown). After surgery yesterday on both knees, the infection has been knocked back a lot, but is still trying to take her out. She is so tough, such a fighter. We wish we could be there to do SOMETHING. But that leads us to the good news:

Another sister-in-law and family, Kathleen, whom I also love very much, lives in Woodstock, VA. We are going to visit them the day after Christmas and will be there for a week. During that week, we will travel to WV to visit with Nancy and spend time making her laugh, which is what we do best. Laughter is great medicine. Dan is so happy we get to spend time with his family. Tad is ecstatic that we get to see not one aunt, but two. I am happy we get to visit them and hopefully see lots and lots of snow! I LOVE A WHITE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS!!!!

I was asked by Kathleen to do one of my piano Christmas concerts for their church on the 27th. This should be real fun. My agent, Dan, is contacting their people, Kathleen. Bwaa hahaha.

I know Kathleen will exercise with me while I am there, because she is on her own healthy journey and is doing wonderful.

So, I'll post again tomorrow and let you know how tonight with Joe Cool went. I saw him at the gym Friday night and asked him if he was ready for me. He laughed and said "no, I'm still analysing the data". How much data could he get out of me flopping around on the mat like a fish trying to do crunches??

Something Wrong With This Picture

There is something very wrong here. Every Friday, the TOPS group (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly) meets in our church fellowship hall. They are a rowdy bunch. Mean age= 72. Mean weight=over.

Today, after their meeting, the director (who is a stick chick and formerly 300 pounds) came upstairs to offer me a PLATE OF CHRISTMAS COOKIES!! Ok, I feel guilty sometimes bringing my breakfast past these ladies as they stand in line to weigh in, and they are trying to offer me contraband???

Best news ever: I politely refused. Me. I did not eat one chocolate morsel. My mouth drooled. My head screamed "EAT THE FREAKIN' COOKIES". I argued with myself for a whole 30 seconds. Then I heard the words come tumbling out of my mouth. "I can't".

DOH!

Who am I?

Last Night= Bliss

So, I didn't work out yesterday. *gasp*. We had respite care for the first time. A great young college student named Brittany came and engaged Tad for a few hours while Dan and I went out. It was great... and quiet! We went to the Dollar Tree, Target, Gamestop and Panda for a snack. Target is a watch vacuum- time gets sucked away. We had a good time of pointing out things we want to get Tad for Christmas, things we want for Christmas, things we think people will be killing themselves clawing over on Black Friday...

We realized when we were walking out of one store it was past our curfew! We called Brittany and told her we were on the way home. When we got there, she had been watching the Steelers game, so Dan instantly thinks she rocks, and she asked him if he wanted her to fill him in, or was he going to watch it from the beginning. Smart move. Very smart. I like her. She is funny and did great with Tad. After next week, she will come every Tuesday and Thursday night from 6:30-8:30 (or we can adjust the times) and sit with Tad while we go out together, or separately, or just stay home and clean the house. She can play with Tad while we do things around the house too. Great program. Another girl, once she finishes her training, will be available if we ever want to do something on Saturdays. That will be nice when it is time to Christmas shop. I usually have to do it all by myself and just show Dan what "he" bought someone. I will enjoy having him with me... I think.

I found out my sister, Bonnie, had a baby shower at the dentist office where she works last night. My mom said they went all out, and really went overboard on the gifts. My mom was sad she couldn't be there, but enjoyed getting the report from Bonnie. I found myself kindof sad that I couldn't be there too. It is hard with her up in Virginia. It has been such a struggle for her to make it to delivery with her babies. Alivia is staying put and we can't wait to meet her. The other babies are with mine waiting on us in heaven. We'll see them soon, but first, we'll spoil Alivia rotten. I found some shoes at Target last night I want to buy her, but it looks like she is going to have really big feet, so I'm not sure what size to buy.

So, back on the exercise front: I am going back to the gym after work today. I decided the sore muscles in the back of my neck and shoulder are from sleeping wrong, because this morning they are on fire, and when I woke up I was positioned funny on my arm. Maybe I'll check out that massage therapist at the gym! Never had a real massage.

Thanks to those who have sent the words of support. I enjoy blogging and spewing out my odd thoughts.

Here's hoping the nekkid old lady stays out of the locker room today. ewwwww

Joe Cool- Zero is a valid starting point

So, I haven't caught you up. I have been exercising EVERY DAY since I started. I already feel better- just getting my body moving instead of being a couch potato. I met with my fitness trainer, Joe (cool) on Monday. He did a complete fitness evaluation. He poked, prodded, measured, weighed.. and then the real fun began. He had to establish a baseline fitness factor so we can track my progress. First, I had to lay on this mat and do girly push ups. I was so impressed with myself. I did three push ups!!! Stop laughing, I didn't think I could do any. Then, I flipped over and had to do crunches. Joe said to put my arms flat on the mat by my sides. My finger tips were touching a strip of masking tape. He said to raise my body and crunch, letting my hands slide forward to the next tape line. I tried. I tried real hard. I could raise my head off the mat. That's it. Joe Cool said "Go ahead, start whenever you are ready". I grunted "I STARTED A FEW MINUTES AGO!!" And then I proceeded to laugh my butt off. Not really, the butts still there, but you get the picture. He tried so hard not to laugh. Ok, on to the stretchy thingy. I sat with my back against the wall and my legs straight ahead. He pushed this metal nazi torture device box against my feet and I had to reach for the box. Again, another round of "start anytime" "(grunt) I did". More laughing. This time, he finally laughed. "Well Mrs. Wilson, 'zero' is a valid starting point".

OK. zero. OK.

Well, I have a starting weight, starting body fat number, starting everything. Let's get started! He meets with me again this coming Monday to give me my fitness prescription, which will outline my exercise routine. He has to evaluate his data. Shouldn't take long to evaluate zeros. In the meantime, I will still go everyday and tread the mill and recumb the bike. Bwaa ha ha. I crack myself up!

Yesterday I thought I would get in a quicky workout before I had to go to church. As I was walking to nowhere on the treadmill, boogieing down to Captain and Tennille [stop laughing, Bonnie, love WILL keep us together!!] I peeked to the right to see who was walking with me to nowhere. At the same time they looked left and glanced at me. Egads! It was David Ammerman, my high school band director.

Ok, the man got in shape, but he still has guppy lips. I quickly smiled, looked straight ahead again and walked in my own world... to nowhere.

Over the summer when I worked with a dietitian, I cut my pepsi intake down to 1 of those little half cans a day. I did well, until I quit trying. Then went back to 1 or 2 cans a day. So, I decided this time to cut it out all together, even though my diet will allow a small one. I quit Sunday night. Had my last coke then at Village Inn after church. Only had a headache on Monday. Been great since then.

So I am still trying. Even when I don't want to, I go to the gym. I have plans to go walking in Georgia during Thanksgiving. I need all the cheerleaders I can get, people!

Oh, best thing that happened today: Ben told me that 105.9 was already playing Christmas music 24/7, so I am blasting it in the office and irritating he and my father. LOVE IT!

First Gym Days

So I started working out last week. I went to the first "support group" on Tuesday night. I sat in the back of the room and didn't make a sound. I just took it all in. It was an introductory meeting. They told us what the meetings would be like and what to expect. Then they asked us if there were any topics of discussion that we would like for them to cover. I was DYING inside, because I have a real warped sense of humor, and there was one lady there - there is always one- that was asking everything under the sun. I was waiting for her to ask "could we have a meeting that covers rashes" while she whipped out a body part, but she spared us.

I was introduced to some easy fitness equipment on Thursday night. I rode a recumbant bike for 10 minutes, then walked on the treadmill for 10 minutes. Then I got a tour of the facilities. All the while, a stick chick who is the head of the new program I am in was talking to me non-stop, very very happy I was there. See, I am the first, and only, person to be enrolled in the "advanced" program. That means that I am obese, diabetic, high blood pressure, etc. I am "special". Gee. Can't wait until I am not qualified to be in this category! She wants me to be their poster child. She envisions success. Lady, I hate to tell you, but there is a mountain ahead of me and I just took one teeny step. Don't get ready for the finish line yet, I've got a ways to go!

She is nice, just very, very happy. I am not into happy sometimes. I dealt with it and kept my mouth shut. No outward snickering.

Friday night, guess what, I showed up at the gym on my own! I had my music. I had my headphones. I had my water bottle and I even drank it. I had my towel. I knew where to start. I pedaled that bike-to-nowhere for 15 minutes. I took a five minute break as I walked to the treadmill. I like the one where it faces out into the woods. I can pretend that I am the only one there. I can't see anyone behind me working out. I walked for 15 minutes. Becki Wilson did a 30 minute workout on her own. Film at 11. I ate half a snickers bar on the way home. HEY, I'M NOT PERFECT PEOPLE! It was good.

Saturday afternoon, Dan and I went to the gym. Again I did my bike-to-nowhere listening to Billy Joel and watching Friends on the tv. A gym with a tv. They know how to keep me there, don't they? I did my little 5 minute break, and treadded the mill for 15 minutes. Had to use some Blue Man Group to keep me going on that one. The feet hurt bad. Then Dan joined me and showed me how to do this barbaric arm thingy. I did it 10 times and took a 30 second break. Did that 3 times. Then he showed me this cable thing that frankly, I could quickly kill myself or another gym rat if I used alone. I did it, but hope and pray my fitness trainer doesn't want me doing it again. I could put more than someones eye out. It was fun being there with him. We went home. I ate no candy.

Sunday afternoon.... TADAAAAAAAAAAA I WENT BACK TO THE GYM!!! Ok, I learned NOT to go so soon after eating Sunday dinner at my mother's house. I ate healthy there, but squash and recumbant biking= gas. Not good. I forgot my headphones. I learned a big big thing. Don't forget your headphones. I was not motivated. I biked for 8 minutes. I strolled to the treadmill, my fave one, waited for granny to get off and walked for 10 minutes. I did increase my speed this time. For 2 minutes. Then I put it back.

The most very important thing I learned Sunday, a thing I will carry with me unfortunately until death: always peek around the corner in the locker room before selecting a locker to put your stuff in. No, I just barrelled into the locker room to the same locker I had used before (cause I do that) and there standing in her birthday suit was an 80 year old california raisin in all her glory, in the midst of changing out of her bathing suit. Um. Yeah. EWWWWWWWWWW. I really, really, REALLY could live just fine without having to see an old ladies hoo ha. I threw up a little in my mouth. She, Oh Confident One, just smiled and said "beautiful weather, isn't it". I mumbled "uh huh" or something illegible like that and walked out in a daze. Sweet baby Jesus. Ew. Just... ew.

I learned one final thing Sunday. I learned that I can do this. I'm gonna be ok. Bring it on, trainer Joe Cool, bring it on.

My first blog in my journey

So I thought I would start blogging about my journey to get healthy... even if nobody reads it, I can use it to journal my plunge into the depths of mass loss. You can read it if you want to, I won't hold a gun to your head. If you comment and say you hate it.. um, I won't post your comment. Duh. Go read something else. If you comment because you want to encourage me, or just make me laugh, I'll take all that I can get. This first one is going to be long to catch you up to speed.

I don't have much time at home, so I am going to blog on my lunch hour at work. ON MY LUNCH HOUR, PEOPLE, NOT ON THE CLOCK... =) That will #1 keep me at work and not eating out so I eat healthy, and #2 keep me from eating the entire hour, and only eating my portioned food. I can also refer my crazy doc to my blog if I feel there is something he needs to read that I can type, but I can't speak. Yep, I see a crazy doc. One of the best decisions of my life. Everyone should have a crazy doc [read: psychiatrist]. More on that later.

I've tried. I've tried and quit. I am one big fat quitter. I am the biggest I have ever been in my life. I ain't proud, it's just a fact. I finally, finally have accepted that I can't loose it for Dan. I can't loose it for Tad. I can't loose it for my family. I can't loose it for my church family. I have to loose it for myself. I am ready.

Things finally started to change when I had to start using a cpap to breathe at night. It is very eye opening to look on your bedside table every night and see a machine that you have to use while you sleep or you could die. About that time, I realized that I could hear myself breathe. I freak out every day when I am quiet and realize that noise I hear is my lungs trying to fill with air. It just ain't right! I also had a moment of "aha" (for all you Oprah peeps- but I don't watch her) when I realized that I was severely, clinically depressed. I think I have been since I was a teenager. I think it has a whole lot to do with hormonal imbalances and my brain chemistry. A whole lot of good things have happened in my life. More than I can remember. But also, some bad crap has happened. Bad crap that I wouldn't let go of and let it ruin parts of me. I would get counseling from time to time and convince myself and others that I was fine. I was not fine.

I am ready to say, "hey, I am broken. I need healing. Go ahead God, take it, it's all Yours". I gave him the crap. What a gift. Here ya' go, Creator of me, take this load of horse poop, it stinks and I'm not carrying it anymore. It's killing me. My load of crap made me feel so terrrible that I choose to do crappy things. I treated people crappy. I gave Him my crap, and I also asked Him to forgive me for the crappy things. He did. I see my crazy doc to get medicine to help me not be depressed- to stabalize the chemicals that can't do it on their own- and to help me keep from reaching back and trying to grab a handful of that crap I gave away. It works for me.

So, now that the crap is in control [my blog goal today- how many times can I use 'crap' in one blog] I am working on the outer part of me. The "fluffy part" as Garfield likes to call it. The tonnage. See, until just a few weeks ago, I could look at a picture of me from high school and I would see me as I am now, which is about 175 pounds more than I was then. Now, I can look at a picture of me from high school and see a skinny me. Not a Callista Flock-fart me, not a stick-chick me, but a Callie sized me [a gray's anatomy reference for all my gray's peeps out there]. Now, I am ready.

Over the summer I worked with a nutritionist from Parrish Medical Center, our hospital. I lost weight quickly over about a month. I quit. I didn't move. When I started to plateau because of lack of excercize, I quit. What a wuss. I wasn't ready then. I was mad because I couldn't afford Gastric Lap Band surgery. [another blog for another time] I am ready now.

Now, I am ready, and there is a program at the hospital's fitness center. It combines a Dietician, a Fitness Trainer [I get Joe, he is cool.. hey, Joe Cool, I think I'll call him that!] and a Lifestyle Coach, plus the use of all the gym for 30 days. From then on, if you need additional support from them, you can get it, or just continue on your own. It also has a weekly 'support group' [hate that term, more on that later too] that is similar to the weight watchers weekly program. I started last week with a bang. I am excited. I had to pay a pretty chunk of change for this, so that helps me stick to it. If it were free, I probably would be tempted to quit.

So God is working out all these great plans to help me. Dan is a gym rat. He loves going to the fitness center. I always thought he loved it to get away from me and Tad, but no, he just loves it! We rarely get to do anything together without Tad. We have tried to get respite care for Tad since we adopted him. FINALLY the state has come through. We interviewed two people last Thursday night that meet our approval so far. One is starting Tuesday night this week. On Tuesday's and Thursday's Dan and I will be able to go to the gym TOGETHER and work out. My dad watched Tad for an hour on Saturday so Dan and I could try it. I loved it. We were both doing our own thing for the beginning, then Dan came and helped me and taught me how to use some of the equipment. I don't meet with my trainer until tomorrow, but have already started using some of the stuff now to get moving [see the next blog about my first gym experiences].

I am doing it. I am not quitting. I will not quit. I am borderline diabetic. I hate poking my fingers and can't wait for the day that I can quit. I hate using a breathing machine at night and can't wait for the day that I can quit that too. These are the things that I am allowing myself to quit. I am not quitting the weight loss program.

So, I am fired up today. But help me tomorrow. I will get depressed again, I will want to give up again, I will want brewsters ice cream again.... the list goes on and on. But, I feel better, after just a few days of movement at the gym, I already feel better. We already have plans on how we [Dan and I] are going to work out while in Georgia for Thanksgiving at Grandma's house. Me, I have a workout plan. Makes me snicker.

Lunch break almost over, and I have to tell you a few more things. Check out the next few posts.